It's all about the incentives! Last week, it was a gold bar lottery for picking up your dog's poo, this week, it's pot for doing your civic duty. Free Pot in Exchange for Registering to Vote?
These things are everywhere around here! Who knew they might violate decency laws (depending on the state, of course)!
Dangling Fake Testicles Get Woman in Trouble
I can't even pick up a hunk of broccoli with chopsticks!
New Tool for Pickpockets: Chopsticks
No wonder their slogan used to be "Worth the trip!"
Dunkin' Donuts Worker's Deal Too Sweet
Awesome Infographic: Venn Diagram of Author Sensibility
From @funnyoneliners
I try to see the best in everyone. They, however, are trying harder to hide it from me.
Horror, fantasy, and science fiction author
Showing posts with label A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Blog. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Aug 3rd
Well, wouldn't you? I'd break the land-speed record running out of there.
Morgue Workers Scatter After Man Wakes Up and Yells
A butter knife!?! Really?
California Man Attempts Self-Surgery with Butter Knife
Great idea, but I wouldn't want to be the guy in charge of "deposit collection."
Taiwan City Offers to Turn Dog Poo Into Gold
I wasn't sure what I was going to see when I clicked on this one. Art inspired by:
a) Pee-wee from Pee-wee's Playhouse;
or
b) the Pee-wee caught exposing himself in the adult theater.
Luckily, it's art inspired by "the good Pee-wee."
Art Inspired by Pee-wee Herman
And #10 is, of course, my favorite.
Winners of This Year's Bad Fiction Award
Love, love, LOVE the poster for Hansel & Gretel!
Minimalists Posters for Your Favorite Children's Stories
Lol. Might just have to try this one.
From @funnyoneliners
When vacationing at a public campground, a tuba placed on a picnic table will keep adjacent campsites empty.
From @funnyoneliners
My family's Coat of Arms ties at the back.
From @Georg_Grey
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Morgue Workers Scatter After Man Wakes Up and Yells
A butter knife!?! Really?
California Man Attempts Self-Surgery with Butter Knife
Great idea, but I wouldn't want to be the guy in charge of "deposit collection."
Taiwan City Offers to Turn Dog Poo Into Gold
I wasn't sure what I was going to see when I clicked on this one. Art inspired by:
a) Pee-wee from Pee-wee's Playhouse;
or
b) the Pee-wee caught exposing himself in the adult theater.
Luckily, it's art inspired by "the good Pee-wee."
Art Inspired by Pee-wee Herman
And #10 is, of course, my favorite.
Winners of This Year's Bad Fiction Award
Love, love, LOVE the poster for Hansel & Gretel!
Minimalists Posters for Your Favorite Children's Stories
Lol. Might just have to try this one.
From @funnyoneliners
When vacationing at a public campground, a tuba placed on a picnic table will keep adjacent campsites empty.
From @funnyoneliners
My family's Coat of Arms ties at the back.
From @Georg_Grey
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Jul 27th
Great. Now that song is going to be stuck in my head all day. And I can't even get my husband to walk the garbage to the curb . . .
Chinese Man Walks 1000 Miles to Win Bride
I'd pay more to be in a quiet zone. When we stay in a hotel, one of two scenarios is guaranteed:
if we aren't on the top floor, we'll be right below a 300 pound man who falls down drunk several times over the course of the night;
if we are on the top floor, then an out-of-town junior gymnastics team will spend all night doing their exercises in the hall (seriously though: kids running up and down the hall all night).
I have to assume that this always happens because of where we stay: if we're in a hotel, it's probably because we are at a casino. Drunk people are to be expected and since the parents are on the casino floor all night, their kids are running amok up and down the halls.
Hotel Chain Drafts Snore Patrols
They should have painted flames down the side of his shell (in non-toxic paint, of course). His wheel looks less like a racecar wheel and more like an ottoman caster, though.
Tortoise Gets Artificial Wheel
This is why I don't like boats. And I'm always afraid a bee is going to get on the boat with me. This is much worse.
Great White Shark Leaps Aboard Boat
Perhaps the two phenomenon go hand in hand.
Fatter and Fewer German Nudists
Unbelievably cool!
Life-Sized Lego Animals Invade Bronx Zoo
ROFL! Mine supposedly says, "Cute Little Princess." This one's going down in the books right beside the time the dentist told me I have a small mouth (seriously considered having him sign a sworn statement attesting to it) and the time one of my co-workers told me I'd be a manager in no time because I was such a "people person" (still can't keep a straight face when I retell that story)!
What Your Tattoo Locations Says About You
7 Best Quotes from Suri's Burn Book
Flavorpill Street-Art Guide
From @funnyoneliners
When I say "word to the wise", what I really mean is "word to the stupid."
Chinese Man Walks 1000 Miles to Win Bride
I'd pay more to be in a quiet zone. When we stay in a hotel, one of two scenarios is guaranteed:
if we aren't on the top floor, we'll be right below a 300 pound man who falls down drunk several times over the course of the night;
if we are on the top floor, then an out-of-town junior gymnastics team will spend all night doing their exercises in the hall (seriously though: kids running up and down the hall all night).
I have to assume that this always happens because of where we stay: if we're in a hotel, it's probably because we are at a casino. Drunk people are to be expected and since the parents are on the casino floor all night, their kids are running amok up and down the halls.
Hotel Chain Drafts Snore Patrols
They should have painted flames down the side of his shell (in non-toxic paint, of course). His wheel looks less like a racecar wheel and more like an ottoman caster, though.
Tortoise Gets Artificial Wheel
This is why I don't like boats. And I'm always afraid a bee is going to get on the boat with me. This is much worse.
Great White Shark Leaps Aboard Boat
Perhaps the two phenomenon go hand in hand.
Fatter and Fewer German Nudists
Unbelievably cool!
Life-Sized Lego Animals Invade Bronx Zoo
ROFL! Mine supposedly says, "Cute Little Princess." This one's going down in the books right beside the time the dentist told me I have a small mouth (seriously considered having him sign a sworn statement attesting to it) and the time one of my co-workers told me I'd be a manager in no time because I was such a "people person" (still can't keep a straight face when I retell that story)!
What Your Tattoo Locations Says About You
7 Best Quotes from Suri's Burn Book
Flavorpill Street-Art Guide
From @funnyoneliners
When I say "word to the wise", what I really mean is "word to the stupid."
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Jul 20th
Wow. He must have really ticked off that bear.
Owner of Killer Bear Chokes to Death on Sex Toy
And I quote, "Death likely accidental." Yeah, right. Check the murder weapon for incriminating paw prints.
This story will probably do more to reduce the divorce rate than all the marriage counseling in the world.
Woman Accused of Cutting Off Husband's Penis, Putting it Down Garbage Disposal
I had to read this story, just to make sure there really was more to it than just that one word; especially since I've texted far worse words.
Woman Arrested for Texting the Word 'Jerk'
So much for "Thank goodness for Chef Boyardee."
Raccoon Gets Head Stuck in Chef Boyardee Can
There at the end, I thought the raccoon was rushing him for the can again. "Hey! I wasn't done with that!"
Personally, I'm a fan of the Orbit swear words, especially "Lint-licker."
7 Best Shakespeare Insults
Interesting side-story: I once visited a pagan shop in another town. The owner's two sons were arguing when we walked in, but they quickly disappeared into the back room so they wouldn't be fighting in front of customers. The argument grew heated and soon carried out into the store. There was a loud thump (presumably of one brother throwing another against the wall) followed by, "You filthy whore-monger!" It remains one of my favorite curses to this day. "Embossed Carbuncle" is my second favorite.
I used to be a huge South Park fan. I even almost got a Cartman tattoo (I settled for a henna, non-permanent one, instead).
Coming Soon: Limited Edition Cheesy Poofs
Funny pic:
Redneck Airbag
From @funnyoneliners
Credit cards are very dangerous. Every time I try to use one, someone starts chasing me with scissors.
Owner of Killer Bear Chokes to Death on Sex Toy
And I quote, "Death likely accidental." Yeah, right. Check the murder weapon for incriminating paw prints.
This story will probably do more to reduce the divorce rate than all the marriage counseling in the world.
Woman Accused of Cutting Off Husband's Penis, Putting it Down Garbage Disposal
I had to read this story, just to make sure there really was more to it than just that one word; especially since I've texted far worse words.
Woman Arrested for Texting the Word 'Jerk'
So much for "Thank goodness for Chef Boyardee."
Raccoon Gets Head Stuck in Chef Boyardee Can
There at the end, I thought the raccoon was rushing him for the can again. "Hey! I wasn't done with that!"
Personally, I'm a fan of the Orbit swear words, especially "Lint-licker."
7 Best Shakespeare Insults
Interesting side-story: I once visited a pagan shop in another town. The owner's two sons were arguing when we walked in, but they quickly disappeared into the back room so they wouldn't be fighting in front of customers. The argument grew heated and soon carried out into the store. There was a loud thump (presumably of one brother throwing another against the wall) followed by, "You filthy whore-monger!" It remains one of my favorite curses to this day. "Embossed Carbuncle" is my second favorite.
I used to be a huge South Park fan. I even almost got a Cartman tattoo (I settled for a henna, non-permanent one, instead).
Coming Soon: Limited Edition Cheesy Poofs
Funny pic:
Redneck Airbag
From @funnyoneliners
Credit cards are very dangerous. Every time I try to use one, someone starts chasing me with scissors.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Jul 13th
Great. Every few years someone reintroduces the idea of the "Buffalo Commons" (where a large portion of my state gets turned into a grassland preserve; read the wiki here). As if that's not bad enough, now my state is going to be like Pluto? "Oh, yeah. That used to be a state . . ."
Is North Dakota Really a State?
Then again, I guess we aren't convincing them of our "statehood-worthiness" with displays of local intelligence like this one.
Fargo Man Beheaded by Firework
Okay, let me get this straight: she had a basket of KNIVES, and she used the basket--not the knives--to attack the guy? Work smarter, not harder, for crying out loud!
Woman Beats Husband With Basket of Pocketknives
Wow. Crime really IS bad in Philly.
Philly Judge has Robe Stolen
The 10 Coolest Witches in Pop Culture
John was sitting on the patio of the local bar one evening, watching the sunset and enjoying an ice cold beer. A nun walked up and shook her finger at him.
"You should be ashamed of yourself! Drinking is a sin! Liquor is vile and disgusting."
"Have you ever had a drink?" He asked.
"Don't be ridiculous! Alcohol has never touched my lips!"
"Then how do you know it's vile and disgusting?" He said. "Let me buy you a drink." The nun opened her mouth to protest. "Hold on, Sister. If you try a drink and still think it's vile and disgusting, I will give up liquor forever."
"For such a good cause, I might be persuaded to try it." She lowered her voice. "But I cannot be seen inside a bar!"
"No problem," John said. "I'll bring your drink out here."
"But people will see me!"
"I'll have the bartender put it in a teacup. No one will know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside. "Another beer for me, and a double scotch on the rocks." He lowered his voice. "And put the scotch in a teacup, please."
"Oh no!" The bartender said. "It's not that Nun again, is it?"
From @funnyoneliners
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
Is North Dakota Really a State?
Then again, I guess we aren't convincing them of our "statehood-worthiness" with displays of local intelligence like this one.
Fargo Man Beheaded by Firework
Okay, let me get this straight: she had a basket of KNIVES, and she used the basket--not the knives--to attack the guy? Work smarter, not harder, for crying out loud!
Woman Beats Husband With Basket of Pocketknives
Wow. Crime really IS bad in Philly.
Philly Judge has Robe Stolen
The 10 Coolest Witches in Pop Culture
John was sitting on the patio of the local bar one evening, watching the sunset and enjoying an ice cold beer. A nun walked up and shook her finger at him.
"You should be ashamed of yourself! Drinking is a sin! Liquor is vile and disgusting."
"Have you ever had a drink?" He asked.
"Don't be ridiculous! Alcohol has never touched my lips!"
"Then how do you know it's vile and disgusting?" He said. "Let me buy you a drink." The nun opened her mouth to protest. "Hold on, Sister. If you try a drink and still think it's vile and disgusting, I will give up liquor forever."
"For such a good cause, I might be persuaded to try it." She lowered her voice. "But I cannot be seen inside a bar!"
"No problem," John said. "I'll bring your drink out here."
"But people will see me!"
"I'll have the bartender put it in a teacup. No one will know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside. "Another beer for me, and a double scotch on the rocks." He lowered his voice. "And put the scotch in a teacup, please."
"Oh no!" The bartender said. "It's not that Nun again, is it?"
From @funnyoneliners
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Jun 29th
I don't even know what to say about this one. What's really stunning is that another bag was found a week earlier.
35 Pounds of Vomit Found in Bag Outside Store
I can't even keep my status updated while I'm doing housework!
Utah Man Updated Facebook Status During Standoff
Hilarious, but don't follow the link if you're squeamish. Just the "test" for pinworms had me saying WTF! Who would really do that?
"Here, honey. You stay up with this roll of duct tape . . . ."
Attack of the Killer Facts: Grossest and Weirdest Facts Ever
Actually, some of these are pretty cool. The eyeball gumballs, bloody brain meat, and psycho shower curtain would make a great gift for the horror fan in your life.
10 of the Most Disgusting Things You Can Actually Buy on Amazon
Latest food craze:
Fried Kool-Aid.
And yes, because I am a fried food connoisseur, I looked up a recipe:
Recipe for Fried Kool-Aid
I haven't tried it yet, but you know I will.
New High-Tech Grocery Store (from CleanJokes4U)
A new super high tech grocery store recently opened in Orlando, Florida. It has the standard automatic water misters to keep the produce fresh, but just before it mists, one hears the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When one passes the diary freezer, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh mown hay. Going in the meat department one can smell the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and barbecued ribs. When you pass the fresh eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of morning eggs and bacon. In the bread department, a tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and soft warm rolls. But I don't buy my toilet paper there any more.
From @funnyoneliners
They said the baby looked liked me until they turned it right sight up.
35 Pounds of Vomit Found in Bag Outside Store
I can't even keep my status updated while I'm doing housework!
Utah Man Updated Facebook Status During Standoff
Hilarious, but don't follow the link if you're squeamish. Just the "test" for pinworms had me saying WTF! Who would really do that?
"Here, honey. You stay up with this roll of duct tape . . . ."
Attack of the Killer Facts: Grossest and Weirdest Facts Ever
Actually, some of these are pretty cool. The eyeball gumballs, bloody brain meat, and psycho shower curtain would make a great gift for the horror fan in your life.
10 of the Most Disgusting Things You Can Actually Buy on Amazon
Latest food craze:
Fried Kool-Aid.
And yes, because I am a fried food connoisseur, I looked up a recipe:
Recipe for Fried Kool-Aid
I haven't tried it yet, but you know I will.
New High-Tech Grocery Store (from CleanJokes4U)
A new super high tech grocery store recently opened in Orlando, Florida. It has the standard automatic water misters to keep the produce fresh, but just before it mists, one hears the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When one passes the diary freezer, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh mown hay. Going in the meat department one can smell the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and barbecued ribs. When you pass the fresh eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of morning eggs and bacon. In the bread department, a tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and soft warm rolls. But I don't buy my toilet paper there any more.
From @funnyoneliners
They said the baby looked liked me until they turned it right sight up.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Jun 22nd
I've eaten a lot of crappy burgers, but nothing like this!
Meat Made from Poop Hits Japan
Whoever invented this is going to make a fortune! I know a lot of scifi guys who would kill for one of these. It's on the "dream list" right there beside jet pack and flying car.
Chinese Sex Robot
(FYI: the article and accompanying photo are not explicit; the video link mentioned in the article did not appear for me, so I'm not if it is appropriate for all audiences or not; but the article is okay).
Sex Robot? Check! Jetpack? Check! Flying Car? Flying Car? Awwww.
Jet Pack Man Soars Above the Waters
You knew it was coming . . . another story about cremated remains.
Woman Finds Staples, Glass in Dad's Ashes
Funny picture (NSFW)
What Barbed Wire is Really Telling You
Another funny picture
Shoplifter Warning
I need this one for my yard; replace "Shoplifters" with "Trespassers."
A Diagram of Geek Culture
From @ChuckNorriz
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up after a long night of partying, he throws down!
From @funnyoneliners
If you're talking about a creature that just wants to gulp down a huge meal and then sleep all day, then yes, I would call myself a cougar.
Meat Made from Poop Hits Japan
Whoever invented this is going to make a fortune! I know a lot of scifi guys who would kill for one of these. It's on the "dream list" right there beside jet pack and flying car.
Chinese Sex Robot
(FYI: the article and accompanying photo are not explicit; the video link mentioned in the article did not appear for me, so I'm not if it is appropriate for all audiences or not; but the article is okay).
Sex Robot? Check! Jetpack? Check! Flying Car? Flying Car? Awwww.
Jet Pack Man Soars Above the Waters
You knew it was coming . . . another story about cremated remains.
Woman Finds Staples, Glass in Dad's Ashes
Funny picture (NSFW)
What Barbed Wire is Really Telling You
Another funny picture
Shoplifter Warning
I need this one for my yard; replace "Shoplifters" with "Trespassers."
A Diagram of Geek Culture
From @ChuckNorriz
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up after a long night of partying, he throws down!
From @funnyoneliners
If you're talking about a creature that just wants to gulp down a huge meal and then sleep all day, then yes, I would call myself a cougar.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Jun 15th
Reminds me of that scene in The Big Lebowski: "Dude! Nice marmot!"
Assault a Case of Mistaken Weasel Identity
When life imitates addictive on-line games:
Angry Birds Dive-Bomb Police
Okay, so last week we had a story about dumb criminals snorting remains. This week, grandma's remains get "misplaced." Maybe I need to change my will (whatever you do, DON'T cremate me)!
Grandma's Urn Left at Goodwill
Awwww! I want a cute, mutant-radioactive bunny!
Alleged Mutated Bunny (Fukushima)
16 Iconic Characters Past Their Prime
Assault a Case of Mistaken Weasel Identity
When life imitates addictive on-line games:
Angry Birds Dive-Bomb Police
Okay, so last week we had a story about dumb criminals snorting remains. This week, grandma's remains get "misplaced." Maybe I need to change my will (whatever you do, DON'T cremate me)!
Grandma's Urn Left at Goodwill
Awwww! I want a cute, mutant-radioactive bunny!
Alleged Mutated Bunny (Fukushima)
I love the poster for The Shining!
From @funnyoneliners
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
From @funnyoneliners
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
16 Iconic Characters Past Their Prime
Cleaned up, PC version of a joke I heard:
An extremely short cowboy went in to see the doctor.
"Doc," he said, turning red. "I got a real problem here. My . . . huevos . . . they're killing me. I think it's cancer."
Doc said, "Let's take a look." He had the man jump up on the exam table. "Drop your pants."
Doc took a look at first one, then the other, and said, "I think I see the problem."
He grabbed the big scissors. "This won't hurt a bit."
The man squeezed his eyes shut and braced for the pain.
Snip, snip. Snip, snip. "There. How's that feel?"
The short man opened his eyes. "It feels great," he said, relieved. "What did you do?"
"I took two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Jun 8th
One stop shopping: weed and then a sub to take care of the munchies afterwards.
Subway Employee Sold Weed With Foot Longs
Someone order up a round of eye exams for these folks.
Fearsome Lawn Ornament Shot by Police
Unbelievable.
Man Snorts Dog
This one isn't so much a news story . . . take a look at this guy's arrest photo. Is that supposed to be intimidating, or did they do the cavity search while they were taking his photos?
Arrest Photo
5 Reasons You Secretly Want a Zombie Apocalypse
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
Subway Employee Sold Weed With Foot Longs
Someone order up a round of eye exams for these folks.
Fearsome Lawn Ornament Shot by Police
Unbelievable.
Man Snorts Dog
This one isn't so much a news story . . . take a look at this guy's arrest photo. Is that supposed to be intimidating, or did they do the cavity search while they were taking his photos?
Arrest Photo
5 Reasons You Secretly Want a Zombie Apocalypse
From @funnyoneliners
Who remembers when a journey of a thousand miles began with Dad saying, "I know a shortcut."?
From @ChuckNorriz
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Jun 1st
Oh, the irony!
Dairy Promoting Princess Lactose Intolerant
This report leaves too many unanswered questions:
No foul play expected? Really?
Okay, so how did she fall in?
What killed her?
Who stores their food in underground barrels in their backyard?
Woman Found Dead in Backyard Barrel
This little old lady bit the dentist, then climbed over the receptionist's desk and tried to shimmy out the window . . . and she was afraid the dentist was going to hurt HER?
I'm scared of this little old lady! Who is she, the little old lady from the movie Legion?
Elderly Woman, Dentist Fight Over Dentures
This . . . sounds . . . too crazy to be true. Do you suppose it was really an accident, or did some of his buddies bet him $50 bucks . . .?
Trucker Blows Up Like a Balloon After Falling on Air Hose
If We Used Animals Like the Flintstones
The 15 Stupidest Products of All Time
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
From @funnyoneliners
You know you're getting old when the bank sends your free calendar one month at a time.
From @funnyoneliners
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove unattended, it could spell disaster.
Dairy Promoting Princess Lactose Intolerant
This report leaves too many unanswered questions:
No foul play expected? Really?
Okay, so how did she fall in?
What killed her?
Who stores their food in underground barrels in their backyard?
Woman Found Dead in Backyard Barrel
This little old lady bit the dentist, then climbed over the receptionist's desk and tried to shimmy out the window . . . and she was afraid the dentist was going to hurt HER?
I'm scared of this little old lady! Who is she, the little old lady from the movie Legion?
Elderly Woman, Dentist Fight Over Dentures
This . . . sounds . . . too crazy to be true. Do you suppose it was really an accident, or did some of his buddies bet him $50 bucks . . .?
Trucker Blows Up Like a Balloon After Falling on Air Hose
If We Used Animals Like the Flintstones
The 15 Stupidest Products of All Time
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
From @funnyoneliners
You know you're getting old when the bank sends your free calendar one month at a time.
From @funnyoneliners
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove unattended, it could spell disaster.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, May 25th
Rapture Fail.
Some of these people left their jobs? Boy are their faces red this week:
"Um. Mr. Johnson? About that 'Ha, heathen sinner, you'll be here next week but I won't' letter I left for you on Friday. . ."
But chin up, little campers! There's always 2012!
In the meantime, somebody buy Mr. Camping a calculator, so he can finally get the math right.
And on a related note:
I'm sure that everyone mom of a teen girl can relate to this one (like me; raised . . . three . . . teen . . . girls; the tenth circle of hell is a vacation in comparison). The difference is, we've all done this IN OUR HEADS, not for real . . .
Weird . . . but incredibly cool
Last week, I posted about how the CDC's Zombie Apocalypse was an ingenious way to get the word out about disaster preparedness. It worked too well!
"Zombie Apocalypse" campaign crashes website
"Zombie Apocalypse" campaign crashes website
Creepy . . . definitely creepy!
Just don't put it anywhere near a Disney store! Headline: Thousands of children traumatized after seeing Hello Kitty eat Mickey Mouse!
Lol. Lots of pages on this one, but worth it!
from @funnyoneliners
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, May 18th
And people wonder why dogs hate mailmen!
A New Twist on "Going Postal"
A New Twist on "Going Postal"
Wow. Talk about product placement & branding.
Get Your William & Kate . . . condoms?
When I saw this headline, the LAST thing I was thinking was melatonin brownies . . .
US State Riled Up Over "Relaxation Brownie"
Truth in Advertising: A Book That Finally Reflects What Parents Are REALLY Thinking.
A Bedtime Story?
Interesting . . .
Rejected Book Covers vs. The Final Product
Hmmm. When I found this flowchart, hubby laughed his butt off. Then I asked him, "Well? Which kind of redhead am I?" I didn't get an answer because he suddenly remembered he had to go change the oil in both our cars (as well as two of the neighbor's cars).
Which Awful Redhead Stereotype Are You?
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
When I saw this headline, the LAST thing I was thinking was melatonin brownies . . .
US State Riled Up Over "Relaxation Brownie"
Truth in Advertising: A Book That Finally Reflects What Parents Are REALLY Thinking.
A Bedtime Story?
Interesting . . .
Rejected Book Covers vs. The Final Product
Hmmm. When I found this flowchart, hubby laughed his butt off. Then I asked him, "Well? Which kind of redhead am I?" I didn't get an answer because he suddenly remembered he had to go change the oil in both our cars (as well as two of the neighbor's cars).
Which Awful Redhead Stereotype Are You?
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
From @funnyoneliners
Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.
From @ChuckNorriz
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, May 11th
My favorite part of this story is the last line: "An Ohio highway patrol dispatcher told The Associated Press she didn't know the type of cereal involved." If it's some kind of breakfast grits or bran cereal, no big deal . . . but if it's something with marshmallows, that's a tragedy!
Crash Litters Ohio Turnpike with Breakfast Cereal
Sheesh! And I can't even get MY plants to last a year.
500-year-old Vine Survives Vandals
I need this kind of luck. If this had been me, the headline would have read, "Woman runs out of gas, gets attacked by flock of rabid hummingbirds, and car gets hit by a runaway dump truck." :)
Man Runs Out of Gas, Buys Lottery Ticket: Wins!
Uh . . . world's largest? How many "walk-thru purses" can there be?
World's Largest Walk-thru Purse
The 7 Most Impressively Lazy Employees of All Time
Oh my! My favorite is Chewbacca. Even worse . . . it's accurate!
Stereotyping You by Your Favorite Star Wars Character
Because I'm nosy:
A Peek Inside Famous Writers' Homes
From @funnyoneliners
I'm off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Crash Litters Ohio Turnpike with Breakfast Cereal
Sheesh! And I can't even get MY plants to last a year.
500-year-old Vine Survives Vandals
I need this kind of luck. If this had been me, the headline would have read, "Woman runs out of gas, gets attacked by flock of rabid hummingbirds, and car gets hit by a runaway dump truck." :)
Man Runs Out of Gas, Buys Lottery Ticket: Wins!
Uh . . . world's largest? How many "walk-thru purses" can there be?
World's Largest Walk-thru Purse
The 7 Most Impressively Lazy Employees of All Time
Oh my! My favorite is Chewbacca. Even worse . . . it's accurate!
Stereotyping You by Your Favorite Star Wars Character
Because I'm nosy:
A Peek Inside Famous Writers' Homes
From @funnyoneliners
I'm off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, May 4th
If she does this for Easter, I wonder what she plans to do for his birthday!
Woman busted for buying hooker for dad, 80
Hitler reacts to Bin Laden news
Dude. You're using them wrong. That's not going to help your throat at all.
Man urinates on cough drops
And they say there aren't any good deals at school swap meets. : P
8-year old buys loaded gun for $3 . . . at school
Alas, poor Garfield, I knew him . . .
World's Most Unhealthy Lasagna Has 71,000 Calories
Bin Laden Tweeting from Hell
From @Georg_Grey
Woman busted for buying hooker for dad, 80
Hitler reacts to Bin Laden news
Dude. You're using them wrong. That's not going to help your throat at all.
Man urinates on cough drops
And they say there aren't any good deals at school swap meets. : P
8-year old buys loaded gun for $3 . . . at school
Alas, poor Garfield, I knew him . . .
World's Most Unhealthy Lasagna Has 71,000 Calories
Bin Laden Tweeting from Hell
From @Georg_Grey
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Herm Albright
Funny and gross . . . and unfortunately, often true:
The worst public restrooms I've been in: a tie between the restrooms in a rural Flea Market (held year-round, inside a building) and a Kentucky Golden Corral (inexpensive buffet restaurant). The flea market bathrooms were bad because apparently everyone was used to using the outhouse, so the toilets looked like they hadn't been flushed all day . . . and around 2000 people pass through the flea market on any given day. The restaurant bathrooms were clean(ish), but every surface, including the backs of the toilets, was covered in food-crusted plates. I've never eaten anything so delicious that I couldn't stop long enough to use the restroom. Honestly! Who takes a plate of food to the bathroom with them!?!
From @Wicked_Tweets
Women are angels , and when someone cuts their wings, they continue to fly .... on a broomstick. We're flexible that way!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Apr. 27th
Guess who's almost a hotter topic than Snooki (and less hated)?
Mr. Popularity: The Mongolian Death Worm
Please . . . don't let it be "scratch & sniff."
Feeling Green? Buy Paper Made of Poo
This can't be good. And I love the reassurances: "Oh, I'm sure it's fine to eat."
The 14 Most Unintentionally Terrifying Statues in the World
Chuck Norris Fact (from http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts)
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
from @Wicked_Tweets
That awkward moment when Clark Kent and Lois Lane get their tights mixed up in the dryer.
Mr. Popularity: The Mongolian Death Worm
Please . . . don't let it be "scratch & sniff."
Feeling Green? Buy Paper Made of Poo
Have to show this one to my husband <evil grin>
This can't be good. And I love the reassurances: "Oh, I'm sure it's fine to eat."
And I thought the giant hand in my local park was a wee bit creepy. These are truly disturbing.
(FYI: Many of the statues are nudes & the site has adult language, so you may not want to click on this one while you're at work)The 14 Most Unintentionally Terrifying Statues in the World
Chuck Norris Fact (from http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts)
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Random Bruce Campbell Fact #555 (from www.brucefacts.com)
When Bruce was born the doctor slapped his bottom. Bruce's chin then proceeded to beat the doctor to a bloody pulp.
from @funnyoneliners:
If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
from @Wicked_Tweets
That awkward moment when Clark Kent and Lois Lane get their tights mixed up in the dryer.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Apr. 13th
There really is a museum for everything.
Iceland phallus museum
There's a perfectly logical explanation: the Terminator had just stolen his clothes and he was trying to get revenge and save John Connor.
Naked man with AK-47 fires at SWAT robot
Wow! I guess their poultry really is fresh.
Drive-thru duck
Another company jumping on the Twilight bandwagon?
Blood-scented perfume
The Peeping Dead is my favorite!
Best Peep Dioramas of 2011
2011 Movie Generator Chart
15 Funniest Menu Items
I have a new vacation destination: Skull Silo, St. Georges, Delaware. Sadly, the shoe fence in Downer, Minnesota and the Casselton Can Pile are within driving distance.
51 Weirdest Tourist Traps
Iceland phallus museum
There's a perfectly logical explanation: the Terminator had just stolen his clothes and he was trying to get revenge and save John Connor.
Naked man with AK-47 fires at SWAT robot
Wow! I guess their poultry really is fresh.
Drive-thru duck
Another company jumping on the Twilight bandwagon?
Blood-scented perfume
The Peeping Dead is my favorite!
Best Peep Dioramas of 2011
2011 Movie Generator Chart
15 Funniest Menu Items
I have a new vacation destination: Skull Silo, St. Georges, Delaware. Sadly, the shoe fence in Downer, Minnesota and the Casselton Can Pile are within driving distance.
51 Weirdest Tourist Traps
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Apr. 6th
Vanilla Ice? Pantomime Show? Welcome to the strangest sentence ever:
Vanilla Ice to play Captain Hook in a British Pantomime Show
I've heard of the Italian Mafia sending dead fish as a threat, and the Russian Mafia sending body parts as a threat . . . but who sends a pig's foot? The Redneck Bubba Mafia?
"Don't mess with us. We'll give you gout!"
Cops investigating pig's foot sent to Rep. Peter King's office
Wow . . . just . . . wow. What an excellent way to "reinvent" a prison system notorious for civil rights violations. Sigh.
On the lighter side, my first thought when I saw the picture was, "They can't be prisoners; where's their ink?" My second thought was, "I want to see who won the Miss Siberian Prisoner contest."
Murderer Wins Brazil's 'Miss Jail' Contest as Prison Pageants Gain Popularity
Okay, so I've found the one thing that might tempt me to a life of crime: an unguarded truck full of Krispy Kremes.
Florida man steals truck loaded with Krispy Kreme doughnuts
A few more science-related April Fool's pranks, plus some science news that just sounds like a joke.
Science made for April foolery
(I'm a little disappointed . . . I really wanted some of those killer sea monkeys)
Strange, fake reality shows (as if some of the "real" reality shows aren't strange enough . . . or fake enough . . . whichever).
Fake TLC Promo Spotlights ‘Dwarf Hoarders,’ ‘Uterus Cannon’
From @funnyoneliners and @bazecraze:
Think your job stinks?
Worst jobs in the world infographic
And last but not least (adult language, so don't be reading these out loud at work):
6 Mistranslations that changed the world
Vanilla Ice to play Captain Hook in a British Pantomime Show
I've heard of the Italian Mafia sending dead fish as a threat, and the Russian Mafia sending body parts as a threat . . . but who sends a pig's foot? The Redneck Bubba Mafia?
"Don't mess with us. We'll give you gout!"
Cops investigating pig's foot sent to Rep. Peter King's office
Wow . . . just . . . wow. What an excellent way to "reinvent" a prison system notorious for civil rights violations. Sigh.
On the lighter side, my first thought when I saw the picture was, "They can't be prisoners; where's their ink?" My second thought was, "I want to see who won the Miss Siberian Prisoner contest."
Murderer Wins Brazil's 'Miss Jail' Contest as Prison Pageants Gain Popularity
Okay, so I've found the one thing that might tempt me to a life of crime: an unguarded truck full of Krispy Kremes.
Florida man steals truck loaded with Krispy Kreme doughnuts
A few more science-related April Fool's pranks, plus some science news that just sounds like a joke.
Science made for April foolery
(I'm a little disappointed . . . I really wanted some of those killer sea monkeys)
Strange, fake reality shows (as if some of the "real" reality shows aren't strange enough . . . or fake enough . . . whichever).
Fake TLC Promo Spotlights ‘Dwarf Hoarders,’ ‘Uterus Cannon’
From @funnyoneliners and @bazecraze:
Think your job stinks?
Worst jobs in the world infographic
And last but not least (adult language, so don't be reading these out loud at work):
6 Mistranslations that changed the world
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Mar. 30th
As someone who's seen a million horror movies, this cannot be good! In Bordello of Blood, Lilith's heart was used to bring her back . . . maybe we should figure out whose brain this is before we start poking it with a stick. Or maybe it's just something a saber-tooth zombie squirrel buried to snack on later.
Brains on Campus
PETA complains that milking is cruel to cows and says we should be kind to a cow and drink human breast milk. Company develops human breast milk ice cream. Now, scientists create cows that give human breast milk. The plot thickens.
Human-like Milk from Cows
Barbie being a Stepford Wife. NOT suitable for children, btw, so don't let them look over your shoulder at this. Nobody wants to face the question, "Mommy, why is Barbie holding that severed head and smiling?"
http://flavorwire.com/164590/photo-gallery-mariel-claytons-bloody-depraved-barbie-dolls-nsfw/3
Those of us who have sold on eBay know that some auction items (used lingerie and well-worn shoes/socks) are best avoided because the auctions attract a lot of perverts. So what was this police department thinking?
Course, the advantage for the police department is that they've already got a list (and mug shots) of folks that would pay big bucks for these.
G-Strings Fund Police Department
Are you prepared? Sure, the government does those "disaster readiness" promos for tornadoes, floods, earthquakes . . . what about zombies?
Zombie Apocalypse Basics
From @Queryaddict:
A man walks into a bookstore. "Where's the self help section?"
The clerk says, "If I tell you, won't that defeat the purpose?"
From @funnyoneliners & @PaulyMortadella:
I always add "capers" to my grocery list because I love madcap hi jinks and fun.
And one more from @funnyoneliners:
Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school... or did they?
Brains on Campus
PETA complains that milking is cruel to cows and says we should be kind to a cow and drink human breast milk. Company develops human breast milk ice cream. Now, scientists create cows that give human breast milk. The plot thickens.
Human-like Milk from Cows
I went to the Chernobyl
Barbie being a Stepford Wife. NOT suitable for children, btw, so don't let them look over your shoulder at this. Nobody wants to face the question, "Mommy, why is Barbie holding that severed head and smiling?"
http://flavorwire.com/164590/photo-gallery-mariel-claytons-bloody-depraved-barbie-dolls-nsfw/3
The first print run of What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex has sold out. And what does this best-seller say? Nothing . . .Two hundred blank pages.
Course, the advantage for the police department is that they've already got a list (and mug shots) of folks that would pay big bucks for these.
G-Strings Fund Police Department
Are you prepared? Sure, the government does those "disaster readiness" promos for tornadoes, floods, earthquakes . . . what about zombies?
Zombie Apocalypse Basics
From @Queryaddict:
A man walks into a bookstore. "Where's the self help section?"
The clerk says, "If I tell you, won't that defeat the purpose?"
From @funnyoneliners & @PaulyMortadella:
I always add "capers" to my grocery list because I love madcap hi jinks and fun.
And one more from @funnyoneliners:
Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school... or did they?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wacky Wednesday, Mar. 23rd
I didn't do it . . . I swear!
Electronic Road Sign Warns 'Zombies Ahead'
Wow . . . just . . . wow. There are so many jokes I could make, but I'm trying to maintain a fairly PG-13 rating here.
Cavity Search Produces 50 Bags of Heroin
Who knew working at Taco Bell could be so high risk?
How Much For Burritos?
Geek cake fail:
http://failblog.org/2011/03/21/epic-fail-photos-geek-cake-fail/
Alternative movie posters for
Jaws
22 Geeky, Sexy, and Cool
Sci-Fi Inspired Tattoos
From @IVKelly
Notice in a Library Statutory Warning: While reading Kama Sutra, please hold the book with BOTH Hands.
Electronic Road Sign Warns 'Zombies Ahead'
Wow . . . just . . . wow. There are so many jokes I could make, but I'm trying to maintain a fairly PG-13 rating here.
Cavity Search Produces 50 Bags of Heroin
Who knew working at Taco Bell could be so high risk?
How Much For Burritos?
Geek cake fail:
http://failblog.org/2011/03/21/epic-fail-photos-geek-cake-fail/
Alternative movie posters for
Jaws
22 Geeky, Sexy, and Cool
Sci-Fi Inspired Tattoos
From @IVKelly
Notice in a Library Statutory Warning: While reading Kama Sutra, please hold the book with BOTH Hands.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wacky Wednesday, Mar. 16th
Maybe he thought he was calling the concierge: "This is the worst hotel I've ever stayed at!"
Jailed Man Calls 911 with Gripe
Edward Cullen he's not.
Arizona Man Gets Probation in Blood-Sucking Case
Maybe they should pick up Timex as a sponsor
2012 London Games Countdown Clock Stops
Sounds like the title of an off-off-Broadway show.
Excuse Me Ma'am. Is That a Monkey in Your Bra?
And winner of the Best Article Title . . . Ever . . . award:
Chinese Man Gets an Anus After 55 Years
Makes the Lion's courage and the Tin Man's Heart quests seem like a cakewalk.
If Super Mario Bros was adapted into a live-action indie drama
http://thedailywh.at/2011/03/15/re-imagination-of-the-day-3/
Irony Bear
I had to download this one in order to read it, but you can probably read it online if you've got good eyes. Or you can just bookmark it and read it later.
Procrastination Flowchart
Coloring Books for Grownups
Jailed Man Calls 911 with Gripe
Edward Cullen he's not.
Arizona Man Gets Probation in Blood-Sucking Case
Maybe they should pick up Timex as a sponsor
2012 London Games Countdown Clock Stops
Sounds like the title of an off-off-Broadway show.
Excuse Me Ma'am. Is That a Monkey in Your Bra?
And winner of the Best Article Title . . . Ever . . . award:
Chinese Man Gets an Anus After 55 Years
Makes the Lion's courage and the Tin Man's Heart quests seem like a cakewalk.
If Super Mario Bros was adapted into a live-action indie drama
http://thedailywh.at/2011/03/15/re-imagination-of-the-day-3/
Irony Bear
I had to download this one in order to read it, but you can probably read it online if you've got good eyes. Or you can just bookmark it and read it later.
Procrastination Flowchart
Coloring Books for Grownups
A quote from @5tevenw
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
(I think this is especially important for writers; in our line of work, we run into a lot of ass . . . I mean, nay-sayers and doubters)
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