Wow. He must have really ticked off that bear.
Owner of Killer Bear Chokes to Death on Sex Toy
And I quote, "Death likely accidental." Yeah, right. Check the murder weapon for incriminating paw prints.
This story will probably do more to reduce the divorce rate than all the marriage counseling in the world.
Woman Accused of Cutting Off Husband's Penis, Putting it Down Garbage Disposal
I had to read this story, just to make sure there really was more to it than just that one word; especially since I've texted far worse words.
Woman Arrested for Texting the Word 'Jerk'
So much for "Thank goodness for Chef Boyardee."
Raccoon Gets Head Stuck in Chef Boyardee Can
There at the end, I thought the raccoon was rushing him for the can again. "Hey! I wasn't done with that!"
Personally, I'm a fan of the Orbit swear words, especially "Lint-licker."
7 Best Shakespeare Insults
Interesting side-story: I once visited a pagan shop in another town. The owner's two sons were arguing when we walked in, but they quickly disappeared into the back room so they wouldn't be fighting in front of customers. The argument grew heated and soon carried out into the store. There was a loud thump (presumably of one brother throwing another against the wall) followed by, "You filthy whore-monger!" It remains one of my favorite curses to this day. "Embossed Carbuncle" is my second favorite.
I used to be a huge South Park fan. I even almost got a Cartman tattoo (I settled for a henna, non-permanent one, instead).
Coming Soon: Limited Edition Cheesy Poofs
Funny pic:
Redneck Airbag
From @funnyoneliners
Credit cards are very dangerous. Every time I try to use one, someone starts chasing me with scissors.
Horror, fantasy, and science fiction author
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
The Story of Runt-ums
A friend and I recently had a discussion about family; specifically, the fur-balls that have joined and enriched our families over the years. Since hubby and I (and my kids) are all animal lovers, we've had a lot of furry family members, every one of them special in their own way.
So today I thought I'd share a story about a past member of our furry family.
The company that mowed the common areas in our neighborhood often allowed the grass to get waist-high before they'd mow. When the grass gets that high, mama rabbits get complacent and don't dig much of a hole for a nest--the babies basically end up almost on top of the ground.
During one mowing, I happened to be in the backyard (thankfully, we hadn't put up our fence yet). I heard the mower bog down and looked over just in time to see what happens when a mower runs over a nest of baby bunnies. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I've used the memory of the scene in several of my horror stories when I need to describe a particularly gory scene. The only good news was the entire mess was from the demise of only a few bunnies and I was able to rescue the rest. I brought them into my house and spent the next two weeks caring for them, getting up in the middle of the night to feed them puppy milk, and collecting the tastiest white clover and plantain leaves as they transitioned over to solids.
As with all family, the day came when it was time to let go. Loose dogs are common in the neighborhood, lots of cats prowl about, and there are plenty of hawks. It's not a good environment for young bunnies. It made me think of Watership Down: "All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you." I set the babies free under our shed (where cats and dogs and hawks couldn't reach them), set out timothy hay and sunflower seeds, and hoped for the best.
For five days, I watched. No bunnies.
On the sixth day, I glanced out the back door, toward the shed, and my heart fell. Still no sign of my baby bunnies. Then I glanced toward sidewalk that runs by my patio door. There was a pile of poop in front of my patio door. And a trail of bunny poop leading from the pile, down the sidewalk, to my back door. And there, at the bottom of my steps, sat one of the baby bunnies: the runt of the litter. The one I had been most worried about.
I carefully went down the steps and sat down beside her, sure she was going to bolt any second. She watched me, big-eyed, her ears trembling. I reached out my hand tentatively, and she let me pick her up and put her in my lap. She had a terrible scratch down her face and one of her ears was torn. I looked like I had saved the babies from the mower only to have all of them fall prey to one of the other thousand enemies.
But this one had lived. And from the look of the trail (and piles) of bunny poop, she had spent most of the night running from my patio door to my back door, trying to figure out how to get back in my house.
I guess sometimes the "born free" principle is over-rated.
I brought her back in the house and the kids named her "Runt-ums." She grew up to be a sassy rabbit. She thought she was the "biggety-bomb" and that everyone should spend their time fawning over the miracle rabbit. She loved Cheerios and getting her chin scratched, and spent a lot of time terrorizing my house cats (revenge against whatever the neighborhood cats did to her sisters and brothers?).
We had her for many years before she finally passed away peacefully of old age.
Her story reminds me of the starfish story:
One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently tossing it into the ocean.
"What are you doing?" The man asked.
"Throwing starfish back into the ocean," the boy replied.
"What on earth for?"
"If I don't throw them back," the boy said, "they'll die."
The man snorted. "There are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish. You can't save them all! You can't make a difference!"
The boy thought for a moment, then bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it into the surf. He turned and smile at the the man. "I made a difference to that one."
So today I thought I'd share a story about a past member of our furry family.
The company that mowed the common areas in our neighborhood often allowed the grass to get waist-high before they'd mow. When the grass gets that high, mama rabbits get complacent and don't dig much of a hole for a nest--the babies basically end up almost on top of the ground.
During one mowing, I happened to be in the backyard (thankfully, we hadn't put up our fence yet). I heard the mower bog down and looked over just in time to see what happens when a mower runs over a nest of baby bunnies. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I've used the memory of the scene in several of my horror stories when I need to describe a particularly gory scene. The only good news was the entire mess was from the demise of only a few bunnies and I was able to rescue the rest. I brought them into my house and spent the next two weeks caring for them, getting up in the middle of the night to feed them puppy milk, and collecting the tastiest white clover and plantain leaves as they transitioned over to solids.
As with all family, the day came when it was time to let go. Loose dogs are common in the neighborhood, lots of cats prowl about, and there are plenty of hawks. It's not a good environment for young bunnies. It made me think of Watership Down: "All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you." I set the babies free under our shed (where cats and dogs and hawks couldn't reach them), set out timothy hay and sunflower seeds, and hoped for the best.
For five days, I watched. No bunnies.
On the sixth day, I glanced out the back door, toward the shed, and my heart fell. Still no sign of my baby bunnies. Then I glanced toward sidewalk that runs by my patio door. There was a pile of poop in front of my patio door. And a trail of bunny poop leading from the pile, down the sidewalk, to my back door. And there, at the bottom of my steps, sat one of the baby bunnies: the runt of the litter. The one I had been most worried about.
I carefully went down the steps and sat down beside her, sure she was going to bolt any second. She watched me, big-eyed, her ears trembling. I reached out my hand tentatively, and she let me pick her up and put her in my lap. She had a terrible scratch down her face and one of her ears was torn. I looked like I had saved the babies from the mower only to have all of them fall prey to one of the other thousand enemies.
But this one had lived. And from the look of the trail (and piles) of bunny poop, she had spent most of the night running from my patio door to my back door, trying to figure out how to get back in my house.
I guess sometimes the "born free" principle is over-rated.
I brought her back in the house and the kids named her "Runt-ums." She grew up to be a sassy rabbit. She thought she was the "biggety-bomb" and that everyone should spend their time fawning over the miracle rabbit. She loved Cheerios and getting her chin scratched, and spent a lot of time terrorizing my house cats (revenge against whatever the neighborhood cats did to her sisters and brothers?).
We had her for many years before she finally passed away peacefully of old age.
Her story reminds me of the starfish story:
One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently tossing it into the ocean.
"What are you doing?" The man asked.
"Throwing starfish back into the ocean," the boy replied.
"What on earth for?"
"If I don't throw them back," the boy said, "they'll die."
The man snorted. "There are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish. You can't save them all! You can't make a difference!"
The boy thought for a moment, then bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it into the surf. He turned and smile at the the man. "I made a difference to that one."
Friday, July 15, 2011
Horror, Fantasy, Sci-Fi: Spec-Fic Friday, July 15th
I want one!
Poster: How to Survive a Zombie Attack
You had me at "Zombie."
Emma Stone Offered Lead in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
I really want to see this one. I usually hate remakes, but the original series of movies felt "unfinished." I loved Brandon Lee and couldn't get into The Crow movies made after his death. I know, I know: I fear change, lol. But it's like this: you sit down to an authentic Italian dinner in an authentic Italian restaurant and the first course is a really great Italian soup. The next course comes out, and it's Chinese food. It can be the best Chinese food in the world, but you still feel unsatisfied because you were expecting more great Italian food. That's how I feel about the original series. So I'm ready for a reboot. And, surprisingly, I think Bradley Cooper might be able to pull it off.
The Crow Reboot--Bradley Cooper Confirmed
We may be on the back side of summer, but as the days get shorter, at least we've got this to look forward to:
Tour The Walking Dead Season Two Set
I've lost track of how many reboots, remakes, and continuations have been done on this franchise. Big fan of the originals; not so much with the Wahlberg movie.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes Stills
I have some catching up to do on this series. I'm not used to watching TV on Sunday night (I'm usually fishing).
Falling Skies Renewed for a Second Season
I have no idea what a "Zemon" is, but it sounds good to me!
3D Zemons Attack in Dead Before Dawn
Have a good weekend!
Poster: How to Survive a Zombie Attack
You had me at "Zombie."
Emma Stone Offered Lead in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
I really want to see this one. I usually hate remakes, but the original series of movies felt "unfinished." I loved Brandon Lee and couldn't get into The Crow movies made after his death. I know, I know: I fear change, lol. But it's like this: you sit down to an authentic Italian dinner in an authentic Italian restaurant and the first course is a really great Italian soup. The next course comes out, and it's Chinese food. It can be the best Chinese food in the world, but you still feel unsatisfied because you were expecting more great Italian food. That's how I feel about the original series. So I'm ready for a reboot. And, surprisingly, I think Bradley Cooper might be able to pull it off.
The Crow Reboot--Bradley Cooper Confirmed
We may be on the back side of summer, but as the days get shorter, at least we've got this to look forward to:
Tour The Walking Dead Season Two Set
I've lost track of how many reboots, remakes, and continuations have been done on this franchise. Big fan of the originals; not so much with the Wahlberg movie.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes Stills
I have some catching up to do on this series. I'm not used to watching TV on Sunday night (I'm usually fishing).
Falling Skies Renewed for a Second Season
I have no idea what a "Zemon" is, but it sounds good to me!
3D Zemons Attack in Dead Before Dawn
Have a good weekend!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Comic Relief & Weird News, Jul 13th
Great. Every few years someone reintroduces the idea of the "Buffalo Commons" (where a large portion of my state gets turned into a grassland preserve; read the wiki here). As if that's not bad enough, now my state is going to be like Pluto? "Oh, yeah. That used to be a state . . ."
Is North Dakota Really a State?
Then again, I guess we aren't convincing them of our "statehood-worthiness" with displays of local intelligence like this one.
Fargo Man Beheaded by Firework
Okay, let me get this straight: she had a basket of KNIVES, and she used the basket--not the knives--to attack the guy? Work smarter, not harder, for crying out loud!
Woman Beats Husband With Basket of Pocketknives
Wow. Crime really IS bad in Philly.
Philly Judge has Robe Stolen
The 10 Coolest Witches in Pop Culture
John was sitting on the patio of the local bar one evening, watching the sunset and enjoying an ice cold beer. A nun walked up and shook her finger at him.
"You should be ashamed of yourself! Drinking is a sin! Liquor is vile and disgusting."
"Have you ever had a drink?" He asked.
"Don't be ridiculous! Alcohol has never touched my lips!"
"Then how do you know it's vile and disgusting?" He said. "Let me buy you a drink." The nun opened her mouth to protest. "Hold on, Sister. If you try a drink and still think it's vile and disgusting, I will give up liquor forever."
"For such a good cause, I might be persuaded to try it." She lowered her voice. "But I cannot be seen inside a bar!"
"No problem," John said. "I'll bring your drink out here."
"But people will see me!"
"I'll have the bartender put it in a teacup. No one will know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside. "Another beer for me, and a double scotch on the rocks." He lowered his voice. "And put the scotch in a teacup, please."
"Oh no!" The bartender said. "It's not that Nun again, is it?"
From @funnyoneliners
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
Is North Dakota Really a State?
Then again, I guess we aren't convincing them of our "statehood-worthiness" with displays of local intelligence like this one.
Fargo Man Beheaded by Firework
Okay, let me get this straight: she had a basket of KNIVES, and she used the basket--not the knives--to attack the guy? Work smarter, not harder, for crying out loud!
Woman Beats Husband With Basket of Pocketknives
Wow. Crime really IS bad in Philly.
Philly Judge has Robe Stolen
The 10 Coolest Witches in Pop Culture
John was sitting on the patio of the local bar one evening, watching the sunset and enjoying an ice cold beer. A nun walked up and shook her finger at him.
"You should be ashamed of yourself! Drinking is a sin! Liquor is vile and disgusting."
"Have you ever had a drink?" He asked.
"Don't be ridiculous! Alcohol has never touched my lips!"
"Then how do you know it's vile and disgusting?" He said. "Let me buy you a drink." The nun opened her mouth to protest. "Hold on, Sister. If you try a drink and still think it's vile and disgusting, I will give up liquor forever."
"For such a good cause, I might be persuaded to try it." She lowered her voice. "But I cannot be seen inside a bar!"
"No problem," John said. "I'll bring your drink out here."
"But people will see me!"
"I'll have the bartender put it in a teacup. No one will know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside. "Another beer for me, and a double scotch on the rocks." He lowered his voice. "And put the scotch in a teacup, please."
"Oh no!" The bartender said. "It's not that Nun again, is it?"
From @funnyoneliners
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
Monday, July 11, 2011
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming
Apologies for the blog hiatus last week. Now that I'm back, it's time for an update!
I've been frantically trying to finish up a short story for a looming deadline (part of the reason for last week's blog oops).
I heard about a submissions call that really got me excited. I came up with a good, solid idea for a story and cranked out a first draft. I patted myself on the back and thought, "I’m going to have this ready in no time!"
HA!
Sometimes you get a story idea, but it just won’t pan out, no matter how hard you try; sometimes you get a story idea, the whole thing writes itself, and you hardly have to do more than a few tweaks and a polish and it’s ready to send; and sometimes . . . sometimes you get the story I’m currently working on.
It’s called Patient 1437. I wrote the first draft and thought I had a pretty good story. During first revision, however, I realized some of the story events didn’t make sense (like why would my scientist decide to experiment on himself? It didn't make sense in the context of the story). So I fixed those problems. And those fixes made other parts of the story not make sense. So I fixed those. And so on, and so on, until the story barely resembles the original idea. It was a lot of extra work (and a dozen--A DOZEN--revisions), but it’s a good, solid story now. So (knock on wood), I’m hoping to finish the final polish today and get it sent out.
This will be my fifth short story submitted so far this year. Which explains why I’m so behind on novel revision.
Speaking of which . . . once this short story is out the door, I’m swearing off short work and diving back into novel revision. I’d originally set a goal of having revisions done by June (HA!), then pushed the goal back to December when I realized how much work remained to be done on the novel. If I don’t get off my duff and get cracking, I won’t make that deadline, either (I’m already skeptical).
On the waiting game side of things, I'm still waiting back for word on the four stories I've submitted, and I'm still waiting for the announcement of the release of Zombidays. The story I have in it is a zombie-comedy (a Zomb-edy?) It's an extra-special story for me because it’s an "almost true" story. Most of the events in the story actually happened (minus the zombie, of course) during the time I worked for a large retailer. And, since I worked the overnight shift, most of my coworkers and I shambled around like zombies half the time, so even that part of the story has a grain of truth to it. It’s funny and sarcastic and ironic, and even makes a statement about how big business views their employees (zombies, and laughs, and story-morals, oh my)!
Of course, I just want to get my hands on it as a reader, too, because it’s a zombie-exclusive anthology and I just can't get enough of zombies!
So that's the plan for the rest of July: the waiting game and more novel revision.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy 4th of July!
Taking the day off to celebrate Independence Day. I'm spending the day either fishing or barbecuing. If I'm really lucky, I'm doing both!
Have a happy 4th!
Have a happy 4th!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Horror, Fantasy, Sci-Fi: Spec-Fic Friday, July 1st
I have to admit that I don't keep up on comics news as much as I should, especially since comics/graphic novels have birthed some of the best movies/series/novelizations in spec-fic. But didn't they kill Superman, too? I'm going to have to go do some Googling and see how that worked out for them.
Marvel Comics KILLS Peter Parker
Nine Sci-Fi Drinking Games
Darabont Clears Up 'The Walking Dead' Writer Debacle
And,
First Walking Dead Novel Info
I really hated the movie ending of The Mist. And after I pondered it a while (okay; ranted to everyone who had the misfortune to be nearby), I realized there are very few screen adaptations of King's stories where the ending isn't changed. Hmmmm.
7 Sci-Fi Book-to-Film Adaptations That Totally Changed the Ending
How to Build Your Own R2-D2
Javier Bardem is Roland Deschain
I'm taking a long holiday weekend, so no post on Monday. Regular posts will resume on Wednesday (unless I blow off a few digits playing with fireworks).
Have a good weekend!
Marvel Comics KILLS Peter Parker
Nine Sci-Fi Drinking Games
Darabont Clears Up 'The Walking Dead' Writer Debacle
And,
First Walking Dead Novel Info
I really hated the movie ending of The Mist. And after I pondered it a while (okay; ranted to everyone who had the misfortune to be nearby), I realized there are very few screen adaptations of King's stories where the ending isn't changed. Hmmmm.
7 Sci-Fi Book-to-Film Adaptations That Totally Changed the Ending
How to Build Your Own R2-D2
Javier Bardem is Roland Deschain
I'm taking a long holiday weekend, so no post on Monday. Regular posts will resume on Wednesday (unless I blow off a few digits playing with fireworks).
Have a good weekend!
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