Comic Relief & Weird News, Jul 13th

Great. Every few years someone reintroduces the idea of the "Buffalo Commons" (where a large portion of my state gets turned into a grassland preserve; read the wiki here). As if that's not bad enough, now my state is going to be like Pluto? "Oh, yeah. That used to be a state . . ."
Is North Dakota Really a State?

Then again, I guess we aren't convincing them of our "statehood-worthiness" with displays of local intelligence like this one.
Fargo Man Beheaded by Firework

Okay, let me get this straight: she had a basket of KNIVES, and she used the basket--not the knives--to attack the guy? Work smarter, not harder, for crying out loud!
Woman Beats Husband With Basket of Pocketknives

Wow. Crime really IS bad in Philly.
Philly Judge has Robe Stolen

The 10 Coolest Witches in Pop Culture

Remixed Masterpieces: When Artists Pay Homage to Other Artists

John was sitting on the patio of the local bar one evening, watching the sunset and enjoying an ice cold beer. A nun walked up and shook her finger at him.

"You should be ashamed of yourself! Drinking is a sin! Liquor is vile and disgusting."

"Have you ever had a drink?" He asked.

"Don't be ridiculous! Alcohol has never touched my lips!"

"Then how do you know it's vile and disgusting?" He said. "Let me buy you a drink." The nun opened her mouth to protest. "Hold on, Sister. If you try a drink and still think it's vile and disgusting, I will give up liquor forever."

"For such a good cause, I might be persuaded to try it." She lowered her voice. "But I cannot be seen inside a bar!"

"No problem," John said. "I'll bring your drink out here."

"But people will see me!"

"I'll have the bartender put it in a teacup. No one will know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside. "Another beer for me, and a double scotch on the rocks." He lowered his voice. "And put the scotch in a teacup, please."

"Oh no!" The bartender said. "It's not that Nun again, is it?"

From @funnyoneliners
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.